HALFWAY THERE

Somewhere I once read, “A wise man turneth not back on a journey half completed.” I’m inclined to think it was Benjamin Franklin except for the “eth” part. I think that's mostly used in The Bible and in certain Amish communities so I’ll just leave it as an anonymous quotation.

However, the main thrust of the statement is, in layman’s terms, “If you are halfway there, why turn back? It’s just as far back as it is to completion."

Anyway, that’s the way I feel today. As far back as I can remember I’ve always dreamed of being 170 years old and that has steadily been my goal. Well, those of you who are eagle-eyed enough to catch such things, will notice a new picture of me to the right. You may have wondered why I am looking upward. You also may have spotted the answer to that question. In the message at the top you might notice I am NOW 85-years old – exactly halfway to my goal. Well, it was “exactly” yesterday. Today I am well on my way.

In order that you might join me in properly celebrating this event I am providing you with a larger picture, suitable for framing. I would invite you to join me in a party with champagne and cake and all those good things. but I’m 85 years old! You don’t get to be 85 with champagne and cake and such things. In addition, blowing out 85 candles could be a life-threatening thing at this age.

I think that’s a pretty neat picture and I have no idea what I really was looking at. However, I did discover it was a nice pose if one has any kind of abnormal skin under the chin – not that I do.

Many of you know that I owe whatever good health I have to my lady, Jen-Chi, and by the oddest coincidence we both happen to be born on March 26th.

I think she looks pretty great too especially with her being -- oops -- a gentleman never mentions a lady's age. I'm a year younger than she is.

This would be a good time for me to express my sincere thanks to those of you who have sent kind messages over the years – both of you.

The Old Professor

Carmel, CA

March 27, 2008

SPRING IS ON THE WAY

Today on the way to feed the horses I walked past our assorted fruit trees and noticed they were starting to show signs of spring. It made me think of the soon-to-be-available nectarines. Why nectarines? The nectarine happen to be my very favorite fruit. In fact, you know that thing about Adam an Eve and the apple? I think it was really a nectarine.

Because tossing hay at horses doesn’t require anyone’s full attention my mind drifted back to an experience I had about 35 years ago involving a nectarine tree I had planted in order to be able to just walk outside and pick a fresh nectarine whenever the urge hit me.

The time this particular event took place I was on yet another one of my “Lose weight” campaigns. This one involved a clinic and the facility had a doctor’s name in it so, of course, it was a good way to lose weight. Their method was simple. I was given a list of foods and their caloric values. I was given a daily ceiling and, here comes the kicker, I was required to write down EVERYTHING I ate each day and appear every day at the clinic to be weighed and evaluated by some lady wearing a white uniform. I doubt she was a real nurse but she could read. I knew that because one time I suspected she didn’t even read what I had written so I injected a few fictitious martinis in the list of what I had eaten. She spotted them.

The system was working and I was losing weight at a nice pace.

Just about then the nectarine tree I had planted began to bear fruit. It was the first fruit. It hadn't shown any fruit at all in the 5 years it had been there yet that year it was abundant. Of course, I couldn’t eat any. I suppose I could have but I forgot to mention this weight-losing clinic was a very expensive deal and I wasn’t about to shoot that down.

So the fruit came and most of it fell to the ground.

I was told the nectarines were delicious. “Much more flavorful than those in the store.” I didn’t even taste one. My relationship with the fruit was picking it up from the ground because hordes of flies were attracted to the fallen fruit. That was not a pleasant chore. Since then nectarines have never had the same appeal though I still like them a lot.

I suppose this would validate that old saying, “Never count your nectarines before ...” I forget the rest.

The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
February 26, 2008

IT'S SLOW BUT I STILL LEARN

In the past I’ve mentioned I used to fly airplanes for the Navy during WWII and am proud that I might have had something to do with fact that not even one Japanese bomb ever dropped on any bar in Pensacola, Florida. After the war ended and I never flew again as a pilot. It was a much too expensive as a hobby for me.

In 1982 Microsoft issued a program called Flight Simulator and over the years I have enjoyed “playing” with it. There is a certain amount of skill involved but, of course, it isn’t completely realistic. The current version is Flight Simulator X, and is a huge improvement from the original and I’ve spent many pleasant hours playing with it.

I put my plane (make believe of course) at some airport and take off and fly around to see if I can see “the sights”. I found the Eiffel Tower in Paris, for example. And the Hollywood sign near Los Angeles.

(Please don’t ask me why I spend so much time doing this. It’s kind of hard to explain.)

However, in various discussion groups a flaw in the program has been pointed out and I have noticed it too. At some airports, after I “take off” I can look around and the airport seems to be sitting up on a plateau. I found there was a software program by an outside developer that cures that problem, so I bought it and installed it. Then, using Flight Sim, I went to my local airport at Monterey Peninsula Airport and “took off”. Looking back I saw the airport appeared to be still sitting up on a plateau. Damn! Money wasted! Oh well, not a life and death thing, said I.

Then yesterday Jen-Chi and I were going out for lunch and we drove on a highway that passed by the airport. I one point I looked up and said, “Oh look. There’s the end of the runway up there.” Then and only then did it hit me. The airport is on a friggin plateau! A real one!
It was one of those slap my forehead moments and I thought I’d share it with you.

Got to go now. My forehead hurts.

The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
January 30, 2008

WALKING: FOR THE BIRDS?

Our house is on a hill and getting to the street involves going down a rather steep driveway about 3 or 4 hundred feet. I do this each morning in order to collect the newspaper and throw some hay towards a couple of horses.

This morning as I was coming up the driveway I saw a small bird hopping right beside me. In spite of studying birds in the 3rd grade, I don’t know much about birds so I can’t say what breed of bird it was it was but it was something small, like maybe some kind of wren or sparrow. This particular one had a rather distinctive patch of yellow feathers around each eye. It didn’t seem to mind being fairly near to me and kept hopping about 2 feet way as we went up the driveway. It came right along with me and didn’t seem to fear me at all.

But the main point of this didn’t occur to me until some time later and it involves the bird’s speed. He or she was only hopping little hops and yet easily kept up with me. I think that says quite a bit about how fast octogenarians move.


I suppose I really shouldn’t be concerned until birds begin to pass me and make crude gestures.

The Old Professor

Carmel, CA

January 24, 2008

I WONDER WHY WE ARE SO SPECIAL

I wonder why we are so special.

On Friday January 5^th the storm began. The wind really picked up until opening a door provided us with the sound that typically people in tornadoes describe as, “It sounded like a freight train”. At 10:30 AM the electricity went out and it stayed out for 5+ days. There was widespread outage of electricity and we were one of the first ones out and the last ones in.

I wonder why we are so special.

We have always enjoyed living among tall pine trees. However, pine trees, especially old pine trees, have a tendency to fall over when arguing with 60 mile per hour winds. We lost many trees while others in the area lost none.

I wonder why we are so special.

Trees, some as much as 20 inches in diameter and perhaps 100 feet tall, were strewn all about the property. Some fences were damaged but none of the trees hit the house and no one was injured.

I wonder why we are so special.

We live on a dead-end street about a quarter of a mile long and there is only one way in and out. 4 trees had fallen across the street and one utility pole leaned in that direction. It was our good fortune that in fairly short time county work crews managed to cut a path trough the fallen trees wide enough to allow vehicle passage.

I wonder why we are so special.

It was quite an experience having no heat except from a fireplace and no light except what candles and flashlights could provide. I kept wondering what they used to do in the “old days”. In school I learned that the great American president, Abraham Lincoln, used study by just the light of the fireplace but I really couldn’t see how that freed the slaves. Probably something I missed in school.

I have no idea what Abraham Lincoln did when he came across a word where he wasn’t sure of the meaning. When that happens to me I go to the Internet and get a definition and often even a pronunciation. Of course, I couldn’t do that when there was no electricity to run the computer. It was then I discovered there is a book with pages full of words in little tiny print. It’s called a dictionary but I don’t see how that would help Abraham Lincoln because the print was so small it could never be read by a fireplace. And as far as pronouncing words – forget it. There is some kind of hieroglyphic code passed down from early Egyptian days that is supposed to tell you how the word is pronounced but by fireplace light – forget it.

There was one thing we benefited from that others didn’t. We now walk into a room and flip a switch and stand in wonder that the room lights up. We go to refrigerator and food is in there nice and cold. We push another device and the room heats up. We push another button and pictures appear on that big one-eyed box that had been staring at us for the last five days,

And I still wonder why we are so special.



The Old Professor

Carmel, CA

January 11, 2008

WE ARE WHAT WE EAT

Today we ate an interesting vegetable for lunch. It was the “Hungry Jack Easy Mash’d Potatoes” with ”garlic ‘n skins”. Don’t ask me why there are missing letters needing apostrophes. I don’t know.

But I got to reading the package and noted there were probably at least 30 ingredients listed. Many of these I’ve never heard of and, for all I know, may even be fictitious. But I do know when ingredients are listed, the thing listed first is the stuff there is the most of and, of course, the ingredient at the end of the list has the smallest amount.

Miraculously, the first listed ingredient was potatoes though even after that there was something in parentheses. It was (DRIED POTATOES; MALTODEXTRIN; SHORTENING POWDER;). Then there were all kinds of mystery ingredients like DISODIUM PHOSPHATE and PYROPHOSPHATE and SODIUM BISULFATE to mention a couple. There were many others.

However, the thing that impressed me most was the last ingredient on the list, which meant it was the smallest amount. It was MALTED BARLEY FLOUR.

Now perhaps that doesn’t sound too odd but in my mind I picture a group of experts taste-testing each batch of this product. Now at some time someone tasted it and said, “I think it needs just a touch of malted barley flour.” So they put in a pinch and, voilà, that was it.

Strange world.

The Old Professor

Carmel, CA

November 21, 2007

HUH?

I must have misunderstood something when I was in school. Today I read this in the New York Times:

WASHINGTON, Nov. 7 — President Bush telephoned President Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan today to urge him to return his country to civilian rule as soon as possible.
“My message was that we believe strongly in elections, and that you ought to have elections soon, and you need to take off your uniform,” Mr. Bush said he told Mr. Musharraf. “You can’t be the president and the head of the military at the same time.”

Did he say you can’t be president and the head of military at the same time? Yes, that’s what he said all right.

It seems to me the United States Constitution spells it out in Section 2, Clause 1 where it says:

”The President shall be Commander in Chief of the Army and Navy of the United States, and of the Militia of the several States, when called into the actual Service of the United States.”

Now to me that says a person not only can be, but must be, president and the head of the military.

Maybe he forgot to add, “and do either very well”.

The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
November 7, 2007

I ASK THE QUESTION

Fairly recently another visible indication of old age appeared on my legs. Something they call varicose veins appeared. Without getting too graphic, the visible veins in my legs have become enlarged enough so my legs look like a contour map of the State of Colorado. I’m not sure exactly what long-term damage might be done if I were to just ignore these veins and wear some elastic support stockings but I decided to find out.

There are doctors who specialize in this problem and I went to see one. He explained the whole process and we decided to go for the endovenous laser treatment. If you don’t know what that means don’t be concerned. I didn’t either but the word “endovenous” means “Within the blood vessel.” Laser means "Any of several devices that emit highly amplified and coherent radiation of one or more discrete frequencies. One of the most common lasers makes use of atoms in a metastable energy state that, as they decay to a lower energy level, stimulate others to decay, resulting in a cascade of emitted radiation." As if we didn't know that

When we finished the preliminary examination and decided to proceed I needed to sign 6 or 7 papers. Most of them were giving permission and promising, if anything went wrong, I would not sue anyone and just admit it was my fault. Then, as I was leaving the office, I was handed a sheaf of papers describing just what was going to be done. That was when I had a flashback.

For more years than I like to think about I stood in front of classes and delivered a bit of my accumulated wisdom to them. I might spend an hour in front of a class explaining some highly technical aspect of the subject but at the end I always asked, “Are there any questions?”

Always.
Every time.
Without fail, someone would ask, “Is this going to be on the final exam?” In fact, I used to amuse myself be trying to guess who would be the one to ask that question. I’m afraid I never quite understood the question. Was the questioner saying, “I don’t want to overfill my mind by remembering this unless we might need it for a final exam.” I always tried to reassure the class that remembering it wouldn’t take up that much brain-room whether it was on the final exam or not.

When the doctor’s nurse handed me the papers I asked, “Is this going to be on the final exam?”

The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
November 2, 2007

I MAKE A BIG DISCOVERY ABOUT ITALICS

Quite often I run into someone who knows I’m a professor and assumes I know everything. I don’t. As an example, last week someone asked me, “Do you know anything about italics?”

I said, “Well, I know they are responsible for some great art works and they make an excellent lasagna.”

Other Person said, “Oh no, I meant italics, like in slanty writing.”

I admitted I didn’t know much about italics at all and Other Person looked so disappointed I decided to do some research on the subject. Apparently most Other Persons have no idea it’s possible to do this. In other words, I get the feeling that if I can’t answer their question they never will know.

My research in to the world of italics showed me more things than I really wanted to know about italics but at the same time led me to a discovery about italics that I believe is groundbreaking.

Now, I assume most of us know there must be some common use for italics. Otherwise why would they make it so easy to use italics in even the most basic word processors? Note that I used one of the functions of italics there. That is to emphasize a word or words. Other not so common uses include using italics for a title as in, “Why don’t you check The Encyclopedia Britannica, you moron?” Not that I would ever say it like that. Which demonstrates another use of italics: when writing a single letter as the I in “Not that I.”

It was a surprise to me to find there are dozens, well many, uses for italics that I had never crossed my mind. For example, how many people would guess that citing legal cases should be italicized, as in the case of Ho v. Hum ? But I also made a new discovery about italics that I can’t find any reference to. In other words, I believe I have stumbled upon a major discovery about italics that in the lexicography world ranks right up there with the discovery about dangling participles and the I before E except after C rule. Or is that the other way around?

Allow me to demonstrate what led to my discovery. I will write two statements. One contains italicizing that the other doesn’t. Look carefully and see if you see any discrepancies.

1. John could see no use for italics.

2. John could see no use for italics.

Do you see the difference? Well neither did I at first. Actually in Line 1. the word italics. is different from the word italics. in line 2. The period at the end of line 2 is not italicized!

So, the new rule which should be added to all the references is, “A period or a comma can be italicized or not as the writer pleases.”

Before the rule goes before the International Punctuation Committee next June it might be a good idea to omit reference to the comma. I think the same rule applies but I haven’t researched the comma as thoroughly as I did with the period or, as some people call it, the dot.

The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
October 26, 2007

WHAT YOU CAN READ IN THE PAPERS

I'm hoping this will be readable because if I just told you it was in the paper this morning you wouldn't believe it but right on the front page was this little item:
In case you can't read it here is the plain text version:

Man trying to hide

from police gets

stuck inside dryer

OFFICERS SAY SUSPECT RAN AWAY
DURING PAT-DOWN SEARCH

By JULIA REYNOLD

Herald Staff Writer

A Salinas man got stuck in a clothes dryer early Wednesday when he tried to hide from the law, police reported.
Shortly after midnight, 27- year-old Andre Jameson was approached by police, who said he was sitting in a "suspicious" parked vehicle at Marin Avenue and Leslie Drive.
Police said when they attempted to do a pat-down search of Jameson, he ran east toward Natividad Road, where he tossed a plastic bag containing what officers suspect was rock cocaine and marijuana.
Surrounded by officers who began conducting yard-to-yard searches, Jameson was spotted hopping fences in the area of Saratoga Drive.
Officers said they saw him enter a residence in the 7C block of Los Coches Avenue.
After a check inside the build- ing failed to locate Jameson, one officer took a peek in the garage,
Jameson, who is 6 feet 1 inches tall, jammed himself into a clothes dryer, police said, and he couldn't get out.
Police said it took some 20 minutes before he could free himself from the tight spot.
When he did, Jameson arrested and booked on charge of drug possession, resisting a police officer and concealing evidence.
Julia Reynolds can be reached at 648-1187 or jreynolds@montereyherald.com

*********************
This can also be viewed at the paper's web site:
http://www.montereyherald.com/ci_7211032
though it usually doesn't stay there very long.

I would say this man has some serious problems coming up in his life if this is the best he can do when forced to think on his feet-- so to speak.

The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
October 18, 2007