It has long been my thought that one of the primary advantages of getting a college degree is that the recipient is at least four years older and, assumedly, a bit more mature. However, in my case, by the time I entered college I had already served a full apprenticeship as a tool and die maker, had been flying airplanes for the Navy and was married. I really didn’t need any for those courses where the primary purpose was to age you one semester but I was required to take some anyway. I had to choose from several General Education electives. Since I never had any formal education in geography I chose a course called South America, which met for one hour, three times a week.
Though it was more than half a century ago I still clearly remember the textbook was cleverly titled “South America” and the author’s name was Jones. There also was a workbook with the same title and author. The workbook, I was to learn, was cleverly written to simplify teaching the course. Each class meeting ended with, “The assignment for next time is to read Chapter Whatever and answer the questions in the workbook.”
At that time I was an eager student and determined to get good grades so I did everything the workbook suggested. For example, when we would be learning about Argentina I would go to the workbook and see a question like:
“List the chief rivers of Argentina.” So, I would look in the textbook and, lo and behold, there was a cleverly worded statement that said, “The chief rivers of Argentina are the Paraná with its tributary, the Salado; the Colorado River; the Río Negro; and the Chubut.” So I would copy these names into the workbook.
At the next class we were allowed to have our workbooks and our textbooks open while the instructor asked, “Who can tell me the chief rivers of Argentina?” I would look around and since the rest of the class had a rather vacant look I would raise my hand. She would call me.
I would read, “The chief rivers of Argentina are the Paraná with its tributary, the Salado; the Colorado River; the Río Negro; and the Chubut.”
“Very good.”
This went on for the full semester and the only additional thing was to complete the workbook that contained about 40 maps and charts and we were required to color each one. Yes, color the maps the way the children do in preschool! There were maps showing the distribution of beef in South America. There were maps showing the distribution of llamas in South America. There were maps showing the distribution of tooth decay in South America. There were maps showing the distribution of macaws in South America. Each had to be colored and I did exactly that because this was my first semester and I wanted to start my college career with a good grade. I even dismantled the workbook so I could type in the answers to every single question. I must have worked over 100 hours on that workbook alone but it was a jewel and I was sure it was better than anyone else had done – probably ever done.
Eventually we got to a final exam, which was most fortunate for the instructor because we had run out of chapters in “South America” by Jones and also in the “Workbook for South America” by Jones.
We were to bring our textbooks and workbooks with us to the final exam because it was to be an Open Book Exam.
The exam was written on the chalkboard. I still recall the first question: “List 10 reasons bananas grow in the São Paulo region of Brazil.” So, I, and the rest of the class, went to the textbook and there, cleverly worded was “There are 10 reasons bananas grow in the São Paulo region of Brazil.” I copied them but particularly remember reason number 1:
1. They plant them there!
Yes, you read that right. Bananas grow in the São Paulo region because they plant them there. Who would have guessed?
Meanwhile, the instructor went through the room. Our workbooks were at the corner of our desk so she could evaluate them. As she came to mine I was prepared for her to be surprised as I was sure she never had seen a workbook that wonderful before. She picked it up and fanned the pages like a Las Vegas dealer with a new deck of cards. She said, “Very good.” And went on. The whole thing couldn’t have taken her more than 4 seconds, including the “Very good.” part.
So, even though I have my doubts as to the value of a class like this, I did learn two very valuable things. The first one was, even though I did get an “A” grade in that class I vowed I’d never do that much work again unless there was some definite purpose to it. As a result, my college record is not all “A” grades but there are a few and the rest are more than satisfactory.
The second thing I learned and have never forgotten and that is that bananas grow in the São Paulo region of Brazil because they plant them there. Unfortunately no one has ever asked me that question so I need to write essays like this. Otherwise no one would know I went to college.
The Old Professor
Carmel, CA
July 3, 2005
A couple of months ago I ran across the gadget I thought would help my domestic partner, Jen-Chi, when she goes shopping. Any kind of shopping, but particularly grocery shopping, is something she and I have never seen eye-to-eye on. Long ago I have stopped going with her. Her treks to a grocery store will run between two and three hours and if I am there I will spend most of this time leaning on a shopping cart wondering why a single tomato must be examined so thoroughly.
